Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   veni, vidi, velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around...

   Dear Mathematics. Please grow up and solve your own problems

   Theee pppostt oofficee ssentt yyourr Vvvibratttorr hheree bby aaaccidenttt. Hhhoww dddo yyyouu sssshuttt ttthisss fffugginnn ttthinggg offffff?!

   Why don't people ever hoard good stuff? I if I were a hoarder, I'd have a house full of cupcakes and slip-n-slides.

   Kamala chases more balls than a puppy.

   Smell that? Time for Joe’s diaper change.

   I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad"

   I'm convinced the only thing new moms know how to do is upload pictures of their baby on facebook.

   you know some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”

   The greatest thing about living near a prison is, my Sunday afternoon sprints down the highway in an orange jumpsuit...

   "At least you're not the lady who got her face eaten by the monkey." - My response to anyone who ever complains about anything

   If you hang around four broke people, I guarantee you will be the fifth.

   when I get on facebook I get excited when I see the red numbrs over the globe thing until I open it and find it is for a stupid game request.

   Sharing a Facebook account with your gf/wife is the best way to let everyone know how whipped you are.

   When you realize you just clicked "Send" on a text to the wrong person, and you quickly hit every button on your phone to try and stop it.

   NEWS: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of dollars a year" What site are they using? It's free for me.

   My favorite animal is steak.

   President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.

   My boss didn't know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.