Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mother's Day, the celebration after those three little words..."I am late."

   My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”.

   I wish that I could record my dreams and watch them later.

   After looking for hours I'm pretty sure Waldo has the d@mn remote again.

   Peggy - "Tell me you love me, Al - "I love football, I love beer, let's not cheapen the meaning of the word."

   My advice for pretty much anything that's broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".

   I spanked myself twice before I left the house today so if you see me being naughty, chill out; I've dealt with it.

   Would you be freaked out if I told you that I was updating this from inside your closet?

   Those people who think that a woman's place is in the kitchen obviously never had my ex-wife's cooking....

   Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.

   I've been voted Most Likely.

   This is your captain speaking, we're going to make a slight detour while I search for a Wifi signal

   Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can't use it.

   I don't have the blood alcohol level to deal with you

   I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon"…

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn't have any pictures of me either.

   I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.

   Do these boxers, this bag of chips, and couch make me look single?

   "Your career could be in jeopardy" ~ Alex Trebek's agent in 1984

   Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?