Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Mother's Day, the celebration after those three little words..."I am late."
←Rate | 05-08-2011 18:43 by Mike D Comments (0)  


   messageicon My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”.
←Rate | 05-08-2011 23:48 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish that I could record my dreams and watch them later.
←Rate | 05-11-2011 22:04 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon After looking for hours I'm pretty sure Waldo has the d@mn remote again.
←Rate | 08-20-2011 11:53 by JBabcock Comments (0)  


   messageicon Peggy - "Tell me you love me, Al - "I love football, I love beer, let's not cheapen the meaning of the word."
←Rate | 09-03-2011 10:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My advice for pretty much anything that's broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
←Rate | 09-23-2011 22:06 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon I spanked myself twice before I left the house today so if you see me being naughty, chill out; I've dealt with it.
←Rate | 10-04-2011 10:36 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon Would you be freaked out if I told you that I was updating this from inside your closet?
←Rate | 05-20-2011 11:42 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Those people who think that a woman's place is in the kitchen obviously never had my ex-wife's cooking....
←Rate | 06-27-2011 08:19 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.
←Rate | 03-17-2011 12:23 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've been voted Most Likely.
←Rate | 04-01-2011 16:28 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon This is your captain speaking, we're going to make a slight detour while I search for a Wifi signal
←Rate | 03-30-2014 15:06 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can't use it.
←Rate | 04-17-2014 17:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
←Rate | 04-30-2014 18:23 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon"…
←Rate | 05-10-2014 08:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn't have any pictures of me either.
←Rate | 05-22-2014 14:01 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me.
←Rate | 03-30-2016 07:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do these boxers, this bag of chips, and couch make me look single?
←Rate | 06-20-2015 21:05 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Your career could be in jeopardy" ~ Alex Trebek's agent in 1984
←Rate | 06-29-2015 15:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?
←Rate | 07-06-2015 23:16 by eengrms Comments (0)  




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