Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.

   This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half ass jingler.

   It's great that they're searching for Amelia Earhart again,, But I think we've got to brace these people,, there's a good chace she's not alive

   For your information, we'll be remembered as the generation who thought a fat Korean pretending to ride a horse was entertaining to look at.

   When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.

   Judging by how much I like to crawl back under the covers in the morning I think I'd make a pretty awesome turtle.

   they call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved

   When you have an enemy mad at you...they will break your bones. But if you have a friend mad at you.... they will break your heart!!

   If you can't remember someone's name then, ask them "what was your name again?" Out of instinct, they tel you their first name. Then say "Oh I knew that, I meant your last name!" And boom, you get the full name, and you're not rude. Double score.

   It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever....

   There aren't many things that I believe less in the world than than some tech support guy in India telling me his name is Jeff.

   some peoples relationship status should be "In a relationship with ___ while cheating with ___ and at the same time talking to ___"

   I say they give all politicains the Federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour....See how fast things change then!!!!

   i don't understand why people fly virgin airlines, why would you want to fly on an airlines that doesn't go all the way

   I still don't understand how finishing my food is going to save a starving child in Africa.

   Don't think too much. You'll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.

   It"s ok to pretend you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   There's no doubt that a man's mind is behind Facebook. Why? Because it will ask you "What's on your mind?" and then it will put a limit on how long your status can be.

   Dear fat girl in a tube top, You look like a can of biscuits popped open.

   I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket