Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't afford anti-depressants so I'm just drinking No More Tears® shampoo.

   2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up

   my penis is so big that if I layed it out on a keyboard it would go from A to Z......wait! SH*T!

   So I saw a butterfly with no wings today, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned...

   I watch so much of the Investigation Discovery channel, I can kill you and make it look like the Easter Bunny did it.

   I can't stop drinking about you.

   I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say 'I would do anything for love'. On the back, 'But I wont do that!'

   whenever I start to get tired of being single... I go sleep on the couch to remember what being in a relationship is like.

   Bored? Update your Facebook to "in a relationship" with someone you've never met just to see if they'll confirm.

   Honk if you love Jesus! Text while you drive if you want to meet him!

   So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn't even have to happen at all.

   Pro driving tip: Look in your rear view mirror. If there's a long line of traffic behind you but no one in front of you, you're an ass.

   The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell others think.

   Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like meadows and rain drops?

   wakes up grumpy, but most days he just lets her sleep....

   We should be able to Text 911, you know, just in case you're hiding from a serial killer and can't talk.

   If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.

   no matter how hard it rains, two dudes under one umbrella is a little gay

   no woman will ever be truely satisfied because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money…

   I tuned into the Miss Universe Pageant hoping to see Miss Jupiter, but it turns out only Earth entered the competition.