Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend is having sex with his GF and her twin, asked how he tells them apart, he said her brother has a mustache!

   It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological mother and that his real mother was a b!tch.

   Sometimes I think you should put a condom on your head, because if you're gonna act like a d.ck, you might as well dress like one too.

   I test girls by sending a text that says "I can't find my phone can you call it?" if she calls, its not gonna work out

   Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you're wearing.

   I'm not rude...I just wasn't taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can't stand.

   When I give a quick witted response to a question, I want my friends to clap and say "good answer" several times Family Feud style.

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

   Why do people put their relationship status as " its complicated "??  We all know that means ur single but still doing ur ex.. why advertise that???

   I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?

   Did you know "bathtub" backwards is still "bathtub"? It's not, but for a second there you believed me

   Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

   What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Walmart.

   “They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.

   The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.

   I've been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?

   If I could do a back flip you'd know it because that's how I would exit every room.

   Damn! Ghadafi, now Kim Jong, I think Sunglass Hut is in real trouble 

   Alone floating on a raft in the pool. Asked the neighbor to call my home phone and ask someone to bring me a beer. Work smarter not harder.

   Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $700,000 EVERY DAY! That’s $29,166 per hour. That’s $486 every minute. That’s $8.10 every second. WHY DO WE KEEP MAKING IDIOTS RICH & FAMOUS? WHY OH WHY LORD?