Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   The best things in life are free...for now, wait until the government finds a way to tax you on that!

   Sociologists say San Francisco's birth rate is projected to decline sharply in the next decade. I'm actually rather surprised San Francisco has a birth rate.

   I'm thinking about suing the US postal service over their slogan "If it fits~It ships".... If that were true I'd be on my way to Hawaii right now.....

   The Social Network...Probably the first time I've actually read the book before I saw the movie ...

   Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

   So you REALLY have no clue how stupid you look with your over sized pants (with a belt) hangin so low. Really?

   I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

   is putting out an APB for a large orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 10 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-4SPRING if found.

   so F'n tired of those cheesy Old Navy mannequin commercials!!! Are they really hurting for money that they cant pay real actors????

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.

   Batman has a lot of cool toys,, but if he uses anything but a laser pointer to catch Catwoman in the next movie,, I'll be really disappointed.

   The "McDutch Oven" - When the fat kid farts in a McDonald's Playland tube and blocks the exit so no kid can escape.

   I don't get these "my body is a temple" people. I prefer to think of mine as a "bar & grill."

   People would be way more pissed if that guy ate a puppy's face

   why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you

   It is amazing how many problems you can solve by ignoring them.

   smaller the breasts, better the eye contact

   Playing hard to get should stop when the relationship starts.

   You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.