Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Me "Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg." Her "Who's Donna??" 
Well another year has passed, I think I have just about given up on the Mayans...
It's not all bad for Tom Brady. At least he won't have to listen to Bruno Mars.
I'd make more Broncos jokes, but I don't want to beat a dead horse...
Laser tag is for pussies... "Taser tag", now thats a manly kinda sport.
Ladies; If you friend zone me you have to at least change clothes in front of me like you would a gay guy. Them are the rules.
It's amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there's a pill available for it.
Sometimes I use words I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah's Fitness.
You may remember me from such events as ruining Christmas dinner.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won't make you carry them.
Just got three "BREAKING NEWS" notifications on my phone that two celebrities got married. This is why the rest of the world hates America.
The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
looking at photos and seeing how much weight I've gained which has inspired me to make a resolution for 2011: NO MORE PHOTOS!
I hate people that are conceited. I am so much better than them.
Dear bacon company - is it too challenging to make a package I don't need to destroy to get open and that doesn't leave my hands covered in grease?
Teacher: Imagine you're in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop imagining.
My grandpa used to say "The best cure for a broken heart is a piping hot bowl of mom's homemade chicken soup. And a hooker." 