Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I die.... my older posts will keep you entertained forever.

   Maybe the economy wouldn't seem so bad if we put happier pictures on money. Like George Washington on a jetski.

   I've had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver

   Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle

   BEER!!!! now cheaper than gas...DRINK......DON'T DRIVE!!!!!

   Dear windshield wipers,...You cant touch this.....Sincerely, The triangle

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" line.

   So if someone invites you to their wedding, it's apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can't make it but I'll come to your next one".

   I was flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalogue and now I have a craving for ribs.

   February 15th. The Black Friday for Chocoholics.

   Can you die from constipation? I'm a little worried with how full of sh!t some people are.

   I really don't want a birthday card. Just give me the $4 you would've spent on it. If it makes you feel better sign your name on each dollar.

   The "thank you wave" you receive after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is the only thing holding this fragile society together

   Me "Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg." Her "Who's Donna??"

   I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...

   Laser tag is for pussies... "Taser tag", now thats a manly kinda sport.

   Ladies; If you friend zone me you have to at least change clothes in front of me like you would a gay guy. Them are the rules.

   It's amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there's a pill available for it.

   Sometimes I use words I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis.

   I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah's Fitness.