Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all the technology now you'd figure power rangers would have better graphics....

   can't seem to come up with anything clever this morning, apparently the voices in my head have decided to sleep in.

   thinks the NFL should stop giving complimentary cutlery sets to the players wives and girlfriends.

   The EPA has released that they are going to fine the United States Navy for dumping a piece of shot into the ocean

   I've been told I have a face for Photoshop.

   I honestly think that women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.

   You know what they say "Home is where you hang your enemies head."

   I guess what I'm proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations.

   When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"

   There is no angry way to say "bubbles"

   Facebook's been down for 15 minutes and I'm freaking out because I don't know if anyone's having babies, eating food, or sad about work.

   I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur.

   Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.

   My parents told me: “You've got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.

   I'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am.

   My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory

   Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.

   Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.

   I just read an article where a study found that men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 on a dating site, received 156% more emails than the under $50,000 ones. On a related note, my income is now $250,000. Your move ladies.....

   Wanted: A fat, drunk Doctor who smokes and feels my lifestyle is acceptable