Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is leaving me because I believe everything I read on the internet. Not worried though, there are some sexy Russian girls in my area.

   The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.

   We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   Preparing a romantic bath for my exboyfriend: candles, flowers, soft music, bath salts, toaster...

   Okay guys thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk.

   I need to go to Walmart but I can't find my pajamas.

   Everyone around me is obsessed with finding true love. All I want is a girl who will laugh at my jokes.

   The preacher tells me today... " I hardly see you in church. You need to join the army of the Lord". I said... "I am. I'm in the secret service"

   "The guy at the first window called you a little b!tch." - Me at the second window at the Burger King Drive-Thru.

   Ok, screw it...I'm just gonna wait for the iPad 10 to come out. You know the clear one, has solar power, you can go deep sea-diving with it, and not to mention... using it as a bullet proof chest plate!

   Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like......Kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go...

   I'm starting to feel bullied by all the anti-bullying commercials.

   Dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. You are simply giving me more options just in case I am not feeling you.

   Which sounds classier, "dong," or "schlong?" I'm writing a letter to my grandmother.

   just found out there was no pinatas at the new years party and I owe the host 479.00 for new lamps...haha

   Hey..........all the political and media people are in Iowa. If we could somehow fence it off, this is our chance to start a new society. Who's down???

   If you don't already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.

   No I didn't want a receipt but now that you've asked me I'm suspicious, so yes, I will have that receipt now please.

   I've been knocking for ten minutes. Don't people answer their bathroom windows anymore?