Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

   Just some helpful advice.. If someone shows up at your job with a camera crew and says they are doing a documentary about your job... you're probably on an episode of Undercover Boss..

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

   Every guy thinks catching the girl he loves is an amazing accomplishment. Actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real accomplishment.

   I don't drink about you anymore.

   : Am I the only one who sat in class during high school and imagined what I would do to people if I could stop time?

   Greatest txt msg of the day: Wow, I felt guilty this morning when I woke up after the dream I had about you!

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   I am thankful for the hide feature on FB.

   This is my cup of care \_/ oh look, IT'S F**KING EMPTY.

   It only took 6 drinks but I'm starting to feel the Christmas spirit.

   Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's IPhone 4.

   Man, that .01% of germs that can't be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad ass sh*t.

   Dont you hate it when you realize you have to take a $hit right after you shower

   My dog was barking at the back door and my wife was yelling at the front door. I always let the dog in first because at least its shuts up when it gets in the house.

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.

   I wish people on FB would just write, "I'm dying for attention! Please comment on this!". Instead of all the dramatic posts with only half the situation given.

   I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!