Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say that the first sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I have a dog, so I don't have to worry about that.

   Dropped my wallet today & a homeless guy chased me down to give it back. I was so moved I took out all of my money & gave him a free wallet.

   Pull up to the gas pump,,tanks on the wrong side.. Did a u-ie,,Tanks still on the wrong side... I quietly got back in my car and left.

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :(

   At least your tax dollars are helping the secret service get laid.

   I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

   The Transit of Venus was by far the best small black dot moving boringly across a large yellow circle I've ever witnessed.

   Whenever I'm walking and a white van drives pass me, I get a little depressed inside because it makes me feel like I'm not kidnap worthy.

   Funny, this warrant doesn't feel so outstanding.

   Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.

   Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.

   Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

   Rihanna filed a restraining order against a man for breaking into her house. I assume when all of this blows over she'll make him a key.

   Cubic Zirconium's slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!

   Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.

   Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.

   I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.

   How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.

   One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.

   After opening this month's electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.