Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

   Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

   They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.

   After a lightbulb burns out, I always have to shake it to make sure that it is truly, burned out, and that it is not playing some kind of lightbulb joke on me.

   Scientists say we use only 10% of our brain. Imagine how much better the world would be if we started using the other 60%.

   The dude who invented the high-five must've been left hangin like 90 percent of the time that first year.

   If someone says "I'll get back to you"... it apparently means "I'm going to forget we had this conversation."

   I was Home School Valedictorian!

   If any of you heard a loud, painful scream followed by hysterical weeping, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.

   I refuse to jump on the 'I hate Mondays' bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally

   Getting pretty stoked for all the Facebook albums of sh!tty firework pictures I'm gonna see next week!

   Sometimes I wonder why I ever came to this Earth

   I found out today that you could group your friends on Facebook and name the group whatever you want, however I didn't know it would send the people notificati​ons saying that I added them to the, "People I've f*****.." group, sorry..

   I'll never just put the seat down; the lid's going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

   If the internet is the superhighway... Facebook is that bad accident backing up traffic for miles because everyone can't help staring at it.

   I don't know about y'all but every time I see that Direct TV commercial...I really want a miniature giraffe.

   I figured out a great way to pick up women. I painted my car to look like a taxi.

   Dear Dr. Phil, Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first. Sincerely, Dr. Pepper

   I can confidently say I'm 150 pounds of solid sexy. Plus 40-50 of squishy stuff.

   When you get pulled over for speeding say: "Two wrongs don't make a right officer. How fast did you have to go to catch up to me?"