Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.

   When ever My wife is cooking, I like to walk up behind her, slowly stroke her hair and whisper into her ear... "Let's order a pizza."

   If you LOVE something, set it free.. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang

   I saw a guy fall off his bike this morning. He looked around to see if anyone saw his fall. I made sure to make direct eye contact.

   We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper

   YouTube is the only way you can see MTV playing music.

   I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.

   Welcome to America:You can be the valedictorian of your class, go to college, get a Doctorate's Degree, get a really good job, and you're still not going to make as much each year as Snooki.

   wonders why the trojan condom was named after something that broke through a wall & let thousands of unwanted ppl in?...terrible product naming

   Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.

   Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!

   FYI: When each one of the Golden Girls died, the remaining ones gained their power,,, and now Betty White is an immortal highlander.

   I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

   Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.

   it be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back

   I missed it. How did Sarah Jessica Parker do in yesterday's Kentucky Derby?

   I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ

   So in America, at 18 you can die at war or be in a porno. But you have to wait another 3 years until you're allowed a beer?

   WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.