Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away."

   "If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"

   I'm wondering why life keeps teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn...

   Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ

   So in America, at 18 you can die at war or be in a porno. But you have to wait another 3 years until you're allowed a beer?

   WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.

   I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.

   WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!.............. "Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."

   My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

   I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.

   Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.

   Even Joe Biden said stricter laws won't stop the problem. If they can't enforce the laws already on the books what makes them think they can enforce these?

   Since this is an "S" storm, I think they should have named it Hurricane Snookie since it will be slamming and blowing the entire Jersey Shore

   MTV to Ring in New Year With Ke$ha and 'Jersey Shore' Cast. So if the world ends on the 21st, it will at least spare us that.

   The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

   Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?

   For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   I had an active life, until some idiot came along and introduced me to Facebook.

   Keep it down kids,,,, Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.