Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don't tell people everything you know

   I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food's food!

   I found out today that Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and is planning to go back to using her real name, "Danny DeVito"

   A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast.

   When comforting someone who is illiterate, I always say softly, "There, their, they're."

   The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

   Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?

   For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   I had an active life, until some idiot came along and introduced me to Facebook.

   Keep it down kids,,,, Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist..

   it's a crazy day when guys wanna see a movie about a teddy bear and girls wanna see a movie about strippers

   While laying in bed with my Husband last night, he asked me what I'd most like to do to his body. Apparently, "Identify it" was the wrong answer

   She stole my heart so I told her to keep it. Thats not the part I'm going to be needng to bang all her friends with anyway.

   My fake ID's finally ready. Can't wait to order off the kids' menu!!

   If Target sends you coupons for rope, garbage bags, and bleach, abort the mission. They know too much.

   The fact that Mitt Romney has a son named Matt Romney kinda makes you hope for 3 more sons named Mett Mott & Mutt.

   My head says, "go to the gym." But my heart says, "stay on the internet forever and eat!"

   Can you imagine the panic that ensuses when the actor who plays the Mayhem character in the Allstate commercials boards a commercial flight?

   If Facebook gets any slower, I'm just going to jog to each of your houses and shout out stuff.