Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don't tell people everything you know

   I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food's food!

   ever look at your old pillow without its case? Looks like a civil war bandage. Do our heads ooze syrup when we sleep?

   ..... Just heard that the Etch-a-Sketch art museum in DC was a total loss ...

   The people who deserve nothing, are handed everything.

   DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for things I may say or do in other people's dreams.

   If somebody's presence does not add value to your life... then their absence should make no difference!

   To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?

   you know you've had too much to drink when you try to fax someone a fruit rollup.

   I'm beginning to realize that some people must actually enjoy being miserable.

   Thank you music, for being there when no one else was.

   Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut... The f*cking idiot just shaved my pubes off.

   Do you ever walk toward automatic sliding opening doors, hold your hand up, and as they open think, maybe, just maybe, the force is with you today??

   I wish memories were like text messages so we could delete the ones we dont like & keep the special ones forever.

   I'm just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.

   If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road.

   brought to you today...by the neighbor's router. ;)

   why is it after I press 1 for english, I still cannot understand the person on the other line?

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets

   called your boyfriend gay and he hit me back with his purse