Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.

   partying isnt wasting money. its investing in good memories! :D

   I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

   Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced.

   Had a cold this morning so I took an Aleve-D and washed it down with an AMP energy drink. Judging by the way I feel, I am fairly certain my body converted to two into meth!

   will not discriminate against the following: race, religion, sex, or creed. However UGLY... I have to draw the line somewhere!

   Things in my life are finally starting to click...... Like my elbows, my knees, my feet,etc;

   Putting kids to bed is a little like playing WHACK-A-MOLE.

   Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.

   In honor of Presidents Day, I'm making HUGE promises to everyone that I have no intention of keeping...

   Hang on, rest of the world suffering from real crises. We're busy picking which humans are best at pretending to be other humans.

   The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now

   You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"

   Well since the government is shutdown that means he shouldn't be taking any taxes out of my next paycheck.

   I only have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   I've yet to check the status of my Lotto ticket. My biggest fear is that for last five hours here at work, I've put up with unnecessary bull****

   - Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn't shop.