Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter what you do in life, Dont EVER! let the Kirby Vacuum Salesman into your house!!!

   Ever notice the fine print on car commercials? In big print it's "Starting at $18,995", and in fine print "As shown, $420,000"

   ..Hey,,, Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his neighbor in the woods?

   I'm smiling on the outside because I have a rainbow of pills on the inside.

   Whenever I see someone running in normal clothes, I immediately assume something is wrong.

   It must have been very awkward for the guy who invented the tampon when he had to explain his invention to everyone else.

   And now stepping into the on- deck cirle, Lindsay Lohan.

   Who Is Paul McCartney? You see kids, before PC's & Auto-tune, there were these mythical creatures who could sing/play/write songs themselves!

   Hey toilette paper manufactures, you think you can make the last six sheets a courtesy red? Thanks

   That terrifying moment when your cat walks into the room, stares at something you can't see and runs away in a panic.

   When I sing with my headphones in I think, Why don't I have a record deal? Then I take them off and I know why.

   The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.

   that embarrassing moment; when you're yelling at someone, and you mess up a word.

   Who the hell is Kim Kardashian and why should I care?

   Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.

   My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.

   The reason I don't play Scrabble online, is that I can't throw the tiles at the person who beats me.

   Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.

   If you want to cry use a tissue; not your Facebook status. !!

   Your duty as a best friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck