Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men... They have 30 year mortgages, 5 year car leases, 2 year cell phone contracts and a lifetime gym membership and then they say they're afraid of commitment!

   if you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.

   Stupid bloody garbage trucks waking me up at noon.

   “Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember”

   - Definition of Keyring---A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your f**king keys at once.....

   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

   You know it's resolution time when someone has to stop to rest on the way up the stairs TO the gym.....

   - Oh Facebook, you go through more Design Changes than I go through Women.

   Could you put some creativity in your pics. Nobody wants to see you make the same face 8 different ways.

   If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

   Type 'things I did last night' into google and hit the I'm feeling lucky button

   My therapist said I let other people control my emotions to much. I don't think that's true at all, what do you think?

   You've been backstabbed, rejected, unwanted, abandoned, betrayed, tricked, lied to, ridiculed, cheated on, heartbroken, defeated, and said NO to all your life...Did it kill you? Of course not...just made you stronger. USE IT.

   Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk.

   - LMAOSHBCSOOMN: Laughing my ass off so hard beer came shooting out of my nose

   Every time I clean up I feel as if I am depriving archaeologists of clues to my daily life.

   A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar, you cheap ba$tard!

   has anyone ever checked out their reflection in the side of their car and thought "damn I would make one sexy ass midget!"

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities.

   You know I like my status updates like I like my mini skirts. Long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting."