Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.

   We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.

   Let's declare the U.S.-Mexico border a National Park. That way, it will be closed.

   Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.

   If they feel the need to point out your flaws, THEY might be your biggest one.

   Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   there are plenty of fish in the sea, too bad i'm a shark...

   When something good happens You drink to celebrate. When something bad happens You drink to forget. When nothing happens You drink because you want something to happen.

   I am black and I still think Kanye West is the biggest Douche of the Century!

   I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.

   It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That's yours now."

   Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.

   Alarm clocks. Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

   "People say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it."

   Friends are like underwear.... Some crawl up your butt... Some snap under pressure... Some don't have the strength to hold you up... Some get a little twisted... Some are your favorite.Some are cheap & just plain nasty.And some actually do cover your butt

   Brunette: what r you doing? Blonde: trying 2 commit suicide. Brunette: the rope goes around your neck, not your waist. Blonde: Tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

   I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting

   This SunnyD tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   I really dont get the need for these giant 24 hour combination superstores. I have never in the middle of the night decided I just had to have a chainsaw, bicycle helmet and whipped cream.... wait... I take that back....