Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

   Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...

   I hate it when pedestrians get all up in my grill.

   New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.

   They have auto-steer and auto-park on new cars, but I would like to see auto-drivemydrunkass homefromthebar.

   HEY,,, I remember when they had Child Protective Services when I was a kid... And her name was Grandma... Love you Gram !

   They should create an app that makes your cellphone go "ahhhhhh" when you plug it in.

   When someone is watching you brush your teeth, you brush for longer than you normally do alone

   I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.

   The uneasy moment when you are having a conversation in your head & you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.

   If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   Some guy at work just asked me if I was homosexual. His exact words were "Do you like Twilight?"

   ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos ......

   My friend just had a baby, he keep's going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son, he would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, "Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?"

   When times are Tough, you know who your Real Friends are. When times are Easy...you know who your Drinking Friends are!

   Guess what YouTube,,, I will ALWAYS,, “Skip this ad.”

   The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

   Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.

   Thankyou for calling Comcast America's #1 Cable Co. My name is Habib Akmed Musaffa Akmed Habib, How may I mis-understand you today?!!!

   Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.