Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   YOUR interest in your own kids: 100% Everybody else's interest in YOUR kids: 0.3%

   just witnessed a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck.. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.

   Screw getting an alarm system. I've seen Home Alone, I know what to do.

   Just passed a street sign that said "Slow Children at Play". That's not very nice.

   "Cannot connect to network, try resetting your wireless router." Umm OK but what if my router is in my neighbor's house? Should I call him?

   had it rough growing up. We was so poor, even our rainbows were black and white...

   If a cop stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?

   curious as to which arm rest in the movie theatre is really yours.

   I slap my own ass when having sex cause I'm that kinky. . . And alone.

   I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.

   If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.

   When I win the lottery , the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.

   Its amazing how the people with no job always have a bag of weed on them.

   When the I in "I love you" becomes more important than the "you," the word in the middle just fades away.

   My Dear Ex, Don't get your hopes up about the pics of us on Facebook. The reason why I haven't deleted some of the photos is purely because I look good in them.

   I can't believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.

   I like how the package for cotton swabs says don't put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"

   ‎20-30 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!