Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sooooo hot. In a completely unrelated matter, it is rather warm today.

   No one has ever complimented me on my mountain fresh scent. Either people are jerks or this body wash is bullsh*t.

   You know it's been a good day when you take a shower just to change your PJs.

   I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."

   My buddy introduced me to the girl he's been dating for two weeks and referred to her as "the love of my life." Now I'm struggling to figure out why we were ever friends in the first place.

   When I try to get the picture taken of me and my friends all nicely facing the camera, one person always blinks, another looks like a stroke victim and a third looks like she was just goosed. Come on girls, figure it out - smile and hold the pose.

   beginning to think that this whole "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the alcohol part.

   "AGAIN?!" - Me, every morning.

   10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.

   At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.

   I have been hit hard with the "Your kids will turn out just like you" curse!

   If you're dyslexic then this numbers game is not for you!

   If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

   I think my upstairs neighbors are shouting about who can stomp the loudest.

   Disinfecting my kitchen right now with the glass of vodka and Red Bull that I just spilled all over the countertop.

   I wish the rest of me was as tan as my left arm

   The only contribution some people make to society is carbon dioxide.

   wonders why is it that when someone wants to give me advice they "put their two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts". Where is that second penny going? I think I might be getting ripped off...

   Miley Cyrus is going to coach and mentor the Top 11 Finalists on American Idol...In related news, the same agent has booked Tiger Woods to be the mentor on The Bachelor ...