Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry kids, no wifi this month, our loser neighbor didn't pay his bill.

   Somebody tell mayweather he is supposed to hug his wife and punch the guy in the ring, not the other way around

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time.

   Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.

   I parallel parked today without turning down the radio....

   I also refuse to turn the beat around........

   Blow jobs are a great last minute gift idea for Valentine's Day.

   1990: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.

   Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.

   This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...

   Starting to think that guy in the mirror doesn't like me.

   Dear America, feel free to use me whenever you want. Sincerely, common sense.

   At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.

   If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.

   It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.

   Are you tired of wal-mart rushing our holiday's? I can't believe it, They already have birthday cards out and it's still months away from my birthday!!!!

   Throwing out a stale donut today. Please respect my privacy at this very difficult time.