Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Day 1. I am thankful that I haven't fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.

   When I go pick up my friends I tell them that 'im here' when I'm 5 minutes away so I'm only waiting 2 minutes in the driveway

   Some of you make me wonder when the psych ward got Internet access.

   Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"

   My doctor gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn't pay my bill. He gave me another six months.

   Sitting here watching "Undercover Boss" thinking.. Guy shows up at your job with a camera crew, screws everything up, gets you to reveal secrets about your personal life.. If you can't figure out what's going on, there's no hope left for you..

   Never trust a woman who doesn't b*tch about everything.

   The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place

   I'm always right. And when I'm not, I edit Wikipedia.

   TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?

   I'm playing Nickelback at your funeral to make sure you're really dead and not faking it

   Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

   Nobody talks to the hand any more.

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

   Speaking of independence, does anyone know how many independence days does Egypt have? I have lost count.

   I make mistakes to further my education.

   I have 3 moods: Skip every song on my iPod, let the music play without interruption, play the same song on repeat for days

   You're not USELESS I'm just saying that 300 years ago YOU would've been the guy to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn't eat.

   Amazing the things you say you’ll never do again when your head is lying next to a toilet

   My boss told me that if I can't show up sober then don't bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!