Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.

   If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help

   if your religion is worth killing for , please,..... start with yourself

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but flowers are always nice.

   Dear Parents: “When your kid starts asking you to knock before entering his room, he has discovered masturbation.”

   Just had a fart that sounded like an unoiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.

   Mitt Romney went after Newt Gingrich during last night's debate. In fact, Romney criticized Gingrich so much, Newt made him an honorary ex-wife.

   There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them. Or that you're in their house again.

   If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a parent,, Just go in your kitchen, scatter cheetos and sugar. Then yell Stop,, No,, & Don't 300 times

   I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"

   They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".

   Think women are the weaker sex? Try pulling the blankets back to your side.

   If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.

   If you don't like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally take a $hit all by themselves.

   The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**

   My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today. I had to give him a jump start from my iPod.

   now accepting applications for a Valentine...Requirements as follows : 1) Pulse 2) Female...as the day progresses, requirement #1 may become negotiable...

   Your phone has more computing power now then all of NASA had in 1969. They launched a man into space, we launched angry birds into pigs.

   Dear Wikileaks...where is the fkn video already...Sincerely, USA

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it's strapped to the top of someone's car.