Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're truly beautiful you don't need to remind people in every other selfie caption.

   Well, basically you just touch her down there" - Getting To Third Base Coach

   My U.S. citizneship was questioned because I wasn't out of breath after walking up a flight of staris.

   I don't know what part of donating blood I like more, the free cookies or that I can get drunk faster afterwords.

   Why does it look like some of my friends took their profile pic with an old Polaroid Camera?

   Did any one else get cat-fished by taco bells breakfast?

   (to every zookeeper at every exhibit at the zoo).. ME: If that thing comes on to my lawn,, I'll shoot it

   The Asians haven't been this embarrassed since William Hung was singing "She Bangs, She Bangs"

   Am I the only one that thinks some of the Japanese players will be executed? #fifa

   That selfie of you perched upon the toilet intoxicated was truly charming. What finishing school did you attend, my delicate flower?

   Dr says my cholesterol count is so high that... I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.

   It usually goes like this. 1: wreck myself. 2: check myself

   Police officers say anything you say will be taken down and make be used as evidence .. your answer should always be please officer don't hit me again

   A verbal agreement is not worth the paper it's printed on.

   If everyday is a gift then today was socks...

   My legs have decided to take part in 'no shave November'... By the looks of things they started in September.

   My mother in-law is letting me renovate her kitchen. My wife told me to get the cupboards from that Scandinavian company with the short name. Turns out it was IKEA not LEGO,

   Now I ain't saying she's a golddigger, but the spelunking helmet and metal shavings on her work gloves certainly suggest she might be

   Dinosaurs deserved it.

   My safe word is Obamacare.