Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm regreterosexual.

   When my wife asks me to hold her purse, I look cool by looking over my shoulder nervously as if I'd just snatched it.

   Amongst all the beautiful women in this world.. There's always an idiot ex-boyfriend, who still expects her love again.

   So she says "I don't need a boyfriend, I have my 'toys'" I say "but your toys won't wake you up @ 4am like a good boyfriend will do for you"

   Studies say that self inflicted bow and arrow suicides are down 1000 % since 1755.

   American people are not evil people. If given the right information they will do the right thing. The problem lies with their lack of information/incorrect information. Robbin - I concur

   I've never known you to sweat the petty stuff. Although I have known you to pet sweaty stuff.

   The chefs are going to roux the day they told me I couldn't make a white sauce

   Took a girl to starbucks because I forgot her name!

   I lost my "Shweaty balls" recipe. I'm sure I'll find it after I go to the gym tomorrow.

   church is the weirdest place ever, they form a choir and then force everyone in the congregation to sing.

   "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know" that you're an as$-hole.

   I think I am safe if I commit a crime that goes to trial cause no way they'll find 12 people to sit on a jury as my peers

   Her wedding day means no more sucking, shaving or starving!

   Its no coincidence that my internet addiction started on the same day I got married.

   *stops to smell the roses* *steps in dog poop..

   ”I used to be the Internet!” – The Library

   Spice things up during family dinners this holiday season by slamming your wine glass down and demanding "What do you people want from me!?"

   Fellas: She exercises with a Shake Weight to perfect her hand job, marry her

   I'm pretty sure when you sweat, it's just your fat crying.