Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can remember when he was just Lieutenant Tso...when nobody respected his meat..

   So after a 7hr erection, do I seek out a Doctor or a Porn Studio?

   Trying to put together last night events. No tiger in the bathroom. No face tattoo, ....can't find my pants

   It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

   Relationship status: everything sounds like "marry me" through duct tape

   Maybe at tonights Grammy's, Justin Bieber will get the award of Demerit.

   A good girl with naughty thoughts is still a good girl right?

   Missed it by that much. I had Phillip Michael Thomas in the celebrity deadpool...

   At least the children in Africa will be getting their Championship Broncos Tshirts

   funny the way some people speaks about a nation as they're personal beliefs !! Is cute to have an opinion ! Now sit down and shut it! don't speak for a whole nation.

   Don't care about Beetles...But yes, LOVE every Beatles song! P.S. learn to spell before you try to Dish someone...

   I want to have my date and eat her too.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Damn Aspirin."

   No guy named Larry was ever a baby. They actually walk out of their mothers womb with receding hairlines in sandals with socks

   Don't grow up... It's a trap, It's a trap. (read in Admiral Ackbar voice)

   Why does FB show me people I "may" know, LAWD these are ugly people, stop it!

   "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No, officer." The cop removes his shades and looks to the horizon with teary eyes. "Neither do I."

   Ohh man! They shut down the Grand Canyon! Where is all that water gonna go now?!?

   The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

   Be the change you wish the homeless people didn't know you had