Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman who thinks no man is good enough for her may be right.... But she is more often left.

   I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

   The truth shall set ye free. But lying shall get ye a bunch of free sh*t.

   Studies show that four out of five poker players take drugs to keep awake and sharp at the table. The one that doesn't stay sharp is the one who shouts out "Go Fish!"

   I think that good friend is worth pursuing, but why would a good friend be running away?

   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

   Just when my nightmares were over about you, you walk in my life in reality.

   Ya...I'm old school like that! On a desktop. Not a smart pad or a geek phone or one of those other really cool devices of technology that I wish I had.

   can't come into work tomorrow due to Canuck Hangover

   "Work hard bt make tym 4 ur luv, family & friends. Nobody remembers ur assignments and powerpoint presentations on ur funeral" - Some smart guy

   Don't tell me your sorry when your not, you only say sorry when you get caught.

   Who can really hear themselves thinking?

   Rapture Tip: Bring a trash bag to collect left behind clothes . You'll only have a couple hours before the best stuff is picked over.

   You know youre really upset when you find yourself blasting music from Taylor Swift

   i love you like a fat kid loves cake, but right now the fat kid is on a diet

   suffers occasional delusions of adequacy.

   If you want me to walk a mile in your shoes, you're going to have to buy the Dr. Scholls inner soles, ointments and powders

   Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

   I guess I will call this little 9 song playlist "The Night I Got Drunk and Decided World Music was Awesome"

   It's perfectly normal and all-American to eat peanut butter off of a steak knife ;) Just be careful!