Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   List of things I've accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List

   Shark Week is over, but I'm not taking down my decorations

   Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool.

   Got a flannel sweater for the 9th year in a row. Thanks mom! Can't wait to see what I get next year.

   Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that you're alive.

   says if someone questions your motives for doing something, throw them off by saying "I did it to protect you"

   If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex... because it would be the longest year of my life.

   Yes, that's correct!.....And the Horse you rode in on!!

   The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."

   The guy who invented "Take Your Child To Work Day" probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

   I'm so gangsta that I change the channels holding the remote sideways.

   I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea.

   Dracula + Tinkerbell = Edward Cullen. He is not a VAMPIRE. He doesn't feed on PEOPLE, he lives in the forest, and he sparkles. He is CLEARLY a Fairy.

   Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss.

   Yea, I end a Facebook conversation by hitting the (LIKE) button on the last comment.

   If your house is hit by a dolphin, don't go outside to see if the dolphin is alright, that's how the hurricane tricks you to come outside.

   I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.

   I don't have a pet,, so I adopted this spider, but the stupid thing won't even chase the laser pen,,, It's got 8 eyes so I *know* he sees it.

   Lord Almighty, Adele...REALLY ?,, Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.