Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has the brains of a horse and is hung like Einstein.

   Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

   Whenever I eat Nerds and Dum Dums, I always follow up with a few packs of Smarties.That way everything evens out. :)

   According to my current parking spot I'm a physician

   The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

   Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

   Guys, for Valentine's Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say "Will", "you", and "me." That'll keep her busy while you watch sports.

   Screw you Adobe! I spend more time downloading Adobe updates than i've ever spent using Adobe.

   I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.

   I can't get out of bed. These blankets has accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust!

   Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"

   I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.

   Congrats on being one of the "cool kids" in Highschool. Too bad about the rest of your life though.

   I'm only 30 lbs away from my New Year's resolution to lose 20 lbs!!

   Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.

   Dear Miley, there were at least 4 things missing from your VMA performance - Talent, Dignity, Grace and Self Respect.

   Fun Fact: Vanilla Ice's original album To the Extreme has sold more copies than every Justin Bieber album combined. Word to yo mutha.

   NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".

   The best part about shopping at Wal-Mart is getting the whole soap/personal care section all to yourself.

   My girlfriend said she has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207