Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

   If I ever reach a point where the best part of waking up is foldgers in my cup....... I'm not sure I wana wake up

   The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

   England fans : If it makes you feel any better, the cricket team is doing well against the Aussies...

   Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..

   Sometimes I'll find out the actual lyrics to a song and then be sad I looked it up because I like my version better.

   Some days I feel like the Allstate mayhem guy is following me.

   I can so admit when I'm wrong! And when that time comes, I will do just that.

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

   I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

   Whooooooooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea ...O...S...A...M...A

   You are not essential for my survival so adjust your actions accordingly.

   I can talk to animals... they don't talk back but the stuff I say to them is still really cool.

   Don't waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.

   Dear Google, They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely, Wikipedia.

   I don't confront people. I was raised right. I talk stuff behind their backs. It's called manners.

   • The craziest girls are the ones who seem the most normal at first.

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

   my oven doesn't need a self-cleaning mode; my *bathroom* needs a self-cleaning mode.