Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 461 of 6384
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single d
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07-03-2013 07:58 by huck
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My support group can outdrink your support group.
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07-20-2013 22:59
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This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.
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07-25-2013 00:06 by HiYourJon
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You don't know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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09-03-2013 12:57
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I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
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10-11-2014 13:24 by Baddie
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I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.
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10-19-2014 18:57 by snotty
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They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
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10-20-2014 15:09
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Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. So fellas, wash your socks.
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10-23-2014 20:38 by JustCuz
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When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
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10-31-2014 07:33
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
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11-23-2014 18:41 by snotty
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ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.
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03-01-2014 08:19
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I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
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03-19-2014 14:14 by Baddie
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I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...
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06-02-2014 19:09 by scottyp
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I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
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12-05-2014 14:25 by Timk
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FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.
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12-14-2014 08:19 by huck
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Whenever someone asks if you're ticklish it doesn't matter if you say yes or no you're going to be touched. I tell them I have diarrhea.
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01-04-2015 23:55 by Depirts1
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Hey Kanye, can you stop kissing Jay Z and Beyonce's a$$es at every award show? Thx.
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02-09-2015 12:32
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At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
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03-09-2015 09:42
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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.
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03-13-2015 18:58 by Aaron
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