Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the library and asked for a book about small peni$es. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "Yep, that's the one", I said.

   This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.

   People that believe internet gossip are the same dumbasses that keep the Kardashians famous.

   naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..

   Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.

   Seems Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. Let's hope she owns a life jacket. :-/

   I think I'm ready for a relationship. It's been a while since I've dealt with someone's ex drama, had my anxiety go through the roof or had my ego ripped to shreds. It sounds so tempting.

   woke up this morning to a little frost on the pumpkins. Guess it's time to start wearing a bra again.

   I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.

   Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.

   My favorite part of last night's presidential debate is when I watched the Tigers/Yankees game instead.

   "How fortunate for governments that the people they administer do not think" - Adolf Hitler

   Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.

   Of Course I talk to myself... Sometimes I need expert advice!

   When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   Nothing quite like a good episode of COPS to make you feel better about yourself.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me 80s dancing in my car I could afford to tint these windows.

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   Little known fact... Any uneaten Little Caesars pizza turns back into cardboard after 30 minutes.