Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never dreamed that motherhood would include telling my boys: "Don't pee on the lawn mower!"

   I bet the origin to the phrase, "When the sh!t hits the fan," is one heck of a story.

   If you purchased $1000 worth of Delta airlines stock one year ago, you would have $49. If you invested it in aig you'd have $33. If you spent $1000 on beer and recycled the cans you would have $214.50. Therefor drinking heavily is your best investment.

   Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

   Help me out on my friends list. If you don't know me, like me, or don't talk to me, Delete my ass. Thanks.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   , "so let me get this straight. Sex and the City is about three hookers and their mom?".

   Tell your friends that the F5 key puts photos back the way they were on facebook:)

   suggests: The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   it me or does everyone get sick of pancakes by the time you are done eating them...

   ready to have male pattern baldness become "in style"

   I'm not the only one that drives to work hoping its a crime scene, am I?

   I got life alert just in case I ever get a life.

   A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !!

   Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie

   Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy

   How do you really get to Sesame Street?

   My April Fools' Day prank at airport security did not go well. You may not see me Monday.

   ..... I don't think accepting tens of millions of dollars from foreign entities is really the best qualification for a person seeking to become President of the United States.

   I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.