Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 423 of 6445

If your hat is intentionally crooked while you are pushing a stroller then we know your child was an accident.
←Rate |
05-27-2013 23:12 by HiYourJon
Comments (0)

If you have to "take a break" then you two are NOT together. Timeouts are for sports, not relationships.

Calling out your ex's name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won't forget them after you break up.
←Rate |
06-19-2013 14:46
Comments (0)

Even if they sold ten-ply toilet paper, I would still fold it at least twice,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I have trust issues.
←Rate |
06-21-2013 18:10 by snotty
Comments (0)

My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
←Rate |
06-25-2013 20:11
Comments (0)

I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.
←Rate |
08-06-2013 08:44 by snotty
Comments (0)

There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
←Rate |
08-10-2013 10:06 by snotty
Comments (0)

Remember kids, never ever buy meth from a person with a full set of teeth. He is obviously an undercover cop.
←Rate |
08-23-2013 01:43
Comments (0)

Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.

After sex, I like to cuddle up to her, wrap my arm around her, brush her hair and whisper: "Welcome to rock bottom."
←Rate |
02-28-2013 09:45 by JEBI
Comments (0)

I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
←Rate |
03-03-2013 06:11 by Baddie
Comments (0)

Leadership is a privilege to better the lives of others. It is not an opportunity to satisfy personal greed.
←Rate |
03-04-2013 15:06
Comments (0)

These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
←Rate |
03-18-2013 19:33
Comments (0)

I'm guessing if we see pink smoke, that will mean the justices has reached a decision?
←Rate |
03-27-2013 15:00 by sully
Comments (0)

The South Koreans should do a psy-op on the North Koreans by placing massive TV’s at the border blasting Gangnam Style on a continuous loop.
←Rate |
04-06-2013 03:46
Comments (0)

can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??
←Rate |
04-10-2013 09:58
Comments (0)

We all have someone at work we make fun of. If you don't, its you.
←Rate |
04-12-2013 04:12
Comments (0)

Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
←Rate |
07-30-2012 17:28 by Aaron
Comments (0)

You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
←Rate |
08-01-2012 05:55 by MTQ
Comments (0)

I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying "we OWN you!" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!
←Rate |
08-05-2012 08:04
Comments (0)