Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Calling out your ex's name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won't forget them after you break up.

   Even if they sold ten-ply toilet paper, I would still fold it at least twice,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I have trust issues.

   Seems like it's going to be “die trying” rather than “get rich” kind of life.

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them to see what they would do

   Just because I don't post it everyday doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the things I have.

   People are saying the voting age should be 16. Twilight won 9 teen shoice awards. You really want them voting for the next president?

   My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.

   I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.

   Remember kids, never ever buy meth from a person with a full set of teeth. He is obviously an undercover cop.

   Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.

   Ever notice how white women over 40 can't dance without clapping?

   I hate going to bed on an empty v@gina :(

   I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.

   I want my name to come up when you go to therapy.

   People would never be late if the Mario "running out of time" music started playing a few minutes before.

   The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.

   Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

   You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying "we OWN you!" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!