Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know ladies, if you don't snap me up soon, someone else will and then you'll have to wait 3 whole weeks till I'm single again.

   Be smart because you won't be pretty forever.

   It's ok if you don't like my personality,,, I've got others.

   BBQ rule: no drama goes on at my BBQ, if your'e in a fight with your mate don't come, if you just broke up and want to talk about it call a family member, BBQs are for FUN only

   Dear Employer, I have worked insane amounts of hours for you; shed blood; even went through a divorce because of you. Is it too much to ask for some decent toilet paper up in here?

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".

   I'm waiting till the iPad 1,473 comes out because it will fly you to the moon while you surf the internet.

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know… look around, listen to the radio

   I don't care who the hell you are, you fall, I will laugh.

   I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.

   When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg “just wants to be friends.”

   A report says that 15% of Americans admit to cheating on their taxes. Probably because the other 85% don't have an income anymore.

   Some people just need a hug... around their neck... with a rope.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact.

   Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.

   All our problems in the Middle East started when Indiana Jones shot that guy waving the sword around.

   My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.

   My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom