Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.

   Why are all the women in my office walking funny today?

   Let's have a round of applause for the heroes that they think they can save all the cancer-ridden children by liking and sharing those Facebook statuses.

   I wish my nipples were half as sensitive as my FB friends.

   Seems like I can't go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.

   I got a message from facebook today.. saying my block list has exceeded my friends list. Congratulations this is a first. . .

   Job applications are stupid. "Why do you want to work for us?" Oh, I've always had a passion for frozen yogurt.....b*tch I'm broke!!

   Why do people in movies keep all their lights off when they hear a noise? I’d be lighting that place up like friggin’ Times Square.

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13,, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's

   Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There's a killer recipe for duck a l'orange on page 6,374.

   You know you are on a hamster wheel when you go to work to make enough money to pay for your car so you can get to work.

   You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans

   I wish I was in a gang so I knew what do to with my hands in pictures.

   It's sad to think that the world we live in will never be a peaceful place

   I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"

   How the hell do hundreds of male Smurfs live with only ONE female smurf? It's no wonder they're BLUE!

   If anyone ever texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"

   The clerk at the gas station doesn't ever speak a word to me. He's currently my favorite person.

   I dont know whats more annoying, hot chicks who won't shut up about how ugly they are or ugly girls who won't shut up about how hot they are.