Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an damn App for that. It's called "respect".

   - I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

   I like to walk around the fair with a giant stuffed animal I brought from home, ‘cause I need people to think I'm a winner.

   You don't have to like me. I'm not a facebook status.

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.

   You've just gotta love that awkward moment when you start telling a story and you realize no one's listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.

   Things that must stop - Women drawing on their eyebrows and having to go to the bathroom just to change expressions.

   In real life, I never know when danger is coming because the music doesn't change.

   Write the name of someone you hate on your body every day in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect.

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...

   My car goes from 0 to 60 in five minutes.

   I don't trust people who like me the second we meet. I'm an acquired taste.

   with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn't have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher...we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!

   It's not "When Wild Animals Attack!" as much as it is "When Stupid People Get Bit."

   Auto-Correct is shut, every time I try to swear it ducking corrects it, for duck sake it's doing it now, to he'll with it, suck on my cook you auto-correcting butch!

   When they discover the center of the universe, some people will be very disappointed when they find out it's not them.

   just read that burglars use Facebook to find out when people aren't home... so from now on, i'm at home, with a knife, and a hungry alligator (:

   I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

   My teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.

   After doing some research, It turns out that not EVERYBODY was kung-fu fighting. It was just this one guy