Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 375 of 6384
The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress
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08-17-2011 06:19 by Tanner
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I hate when I'm spying on someone while they're showering and they let out a huge fart. What a sicko.
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08-26-2011 07:57
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I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out
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05-03-2011 12:17 by flinnie
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I just wish my mouth had a backspace key
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09-29-2008 18:16 by Vicki Dc
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Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two kit-kats fall out of a vending machine at once
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore
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04-15-2010 23:26 by Joser
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I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending...
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09-21-2010 15:20
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There's a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in doritos.
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09-23-2010 04:41 by imru
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If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor
Oh the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' nose. Winter Blows Winter Blows Winter Blows
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12-14-2010 12:44
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If you listen very carefully, you can hear Monday sharpening its claws.
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08-01-2010 11:45
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It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
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06-09-2010 21:06
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Ziplock: making a fortune off potheads since 1980
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04-05-2011 16:08 by Gil
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What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?... I don't have a Ferrari right now.
I've never been that "Super Thug gangsta, keep going to jail type of black guy" I'm more of a "keep a steady job, continue college, love God and my country type of black guy" regardless I still love fried chicken and watermelon.. keep it real my friends
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03-20-2013 01:38
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One of the guys that dated Taylor Swift should write a song called, "Maybe You're The Problem."
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10-09-2012 16:17
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I love it when people call me at 3 AM. "Hey, are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."
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01-24-2011 16:05
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Dear kanye west, Roses are red. Violets are blue. If Justin Bieber wins another award you know what to do.+++
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09-29-2010 18:06
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I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.