Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And on the day that Pooh found out bacon tasted better than honey, we all knew Piglet's days were numbered.

   Now that a billonaire in Mexico is going to buy out Hostess the twinkie will come in 3 flavors. Hot, Medium and mild.

   The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is.

   why am I always behind the one person on earth that's never seen a McDonalds menu???

   So there are teenagers out there that have unprotected sex, but yet have cases on their phones. Just let that sink in for a minute....

   Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him.

   Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something.

   To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.

   According to my current parking spot, I'm Chief of Police.

   I'm that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.

   Bananas don't go back once they go black either.

   Why do people post missing person posts on facebook? Like we're going outside...

   My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.

   If you're gonna take a selfie at a funeral, at least get the casket in the background!

   All I need right now is a hug, and five hundred thousand dollars in cash

   All I'm saying is some of us would get in the van without the candy.