Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.

   I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him!

   Nothing says "I've made poor life decisions" like a couch in your front yard.

   That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you're moving.

   A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

   Quick question, Ladies, If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the f$ck are you doing?

   My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...

   • Thank you Facebook for reconnecting me with the people I ignored in High School

   Spiders: Nature's little reminder that you can still scream like a little girl.

   My heart is in a relationship, but I am single - It's complicated.

   Kudos on the shaved balls, but try longer gym shorts next time….

   I don't know what's worse. Guys who refer to girls as b*tches, or the girls who actually respond to it.

   that 'aquard' moment when you cant spell "awkward"...

   Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don't cut it.

   I wish somebody would invent a Slim Fast beer.

   I think that the Goo Goo Dolls & Lady Gaga should go on tour together...the Goo Goo Gaga Tour!!

   You'd think that after all these years of practice I'd be good at waking up by now.

   Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

   I read that smoking is bad so I stopped smoking, I read drinking is bad so I stopped drinking, I read that sex is bad so I stopped reading.

   Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.