Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ask someone if they will watch your bike for you and dont leave. Just stand there and watch your bike with your new friend

   Remember when the History channel use to show history stuff? -MTV

   I'm a male so my hobbies include not listening when you talk to me and consistently forgetting birthdays and anniversaries.

   tired of people giving me a skewed or heart-wrenching fact, then asking me to post it as my status, THEN mysteriously having the clarvoyance to tell me what percent of people won't post it as their status. HONK if this annoys you!

   There are [0/1 (52x^7/2 – 66x^5/2 + 22x^3/2) / vx) dx] kinds of people in this World...Those who understand Calculus and those Who Don't !

   A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain

   just had a work email from someone asking to "bare with me" until the system is back up. I replied that I didn't see how nudity would fix the problem.

   Thinks the person who came up with the phrase "some assembly required" never tried to assemble anything!

   I wonder if that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?"

   If I was two faced, do you think I'd be wearing this one?

   trying very hard to be the person her doctor medicates her to be.

   Aren't the "good things that come to those who wait" really just leftovers from people who got there first?

   "Side effects may include constipation or diarrhea." So what you're saying is I may or may not give a sh*t.

   those bootyshorts really compliment your tiger stripes

   Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.

   Life is a comedy for those who think... and a tragedy for those who feel.

   "hi, you are through to the incontinence hotline..........can you hold please?"

   Never mind being "Popular" in High School.... Now there's Facebook...

   if at first you don't succeed, maybe you just suck!!!

   I don't have bad handwriting, I have my own Font =D