Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The election has been over nearly 2 weeks and this krap is still going on. Get back to the funny!

   Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn't."

   The label says "Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication." My question is, is this a warning or a suggestion?

   Just because I disagree with you does not mean I hate you. We need to relearn that in our society.

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died

   "Don't be shy, send that 12th unanswered text." --Tequila

   Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down.

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it's like the trash took itself out.

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.

   They should really considered remaking "Back To The Future 2" where there aren't any flying cars. And people just stare at their phones all day getting easily offended to everything they read....

   If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."

   North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.

   Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.

   As it turns out, "harder" is a terrible safe word.

   Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.

   The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.

   My relationship with scotch has been on the rocks lately.

   Where are the realistic Mother's Day cards that say, "Well you did the best you could with what you had and I still love you anyways."

   In the wild of Alaska, large packs of Discovery Channel cameramen can be spotted drinking from the lakes that thaw out in the summer months.

   You're not truly a Canadian until you've used maple syrup as lube.