Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was not picking my nose! I just had a really deep itch

   can't wait for Breaking Dawn Part 2, as Bella and Edward get hunted down by Blade! Perhaps that's just wishful thinking

   It's difficult for me to knock Scientology because most of the lies I've told for money were far more insane.

   Who the hell is this Will Power guy everyone is talking about? Maybe I'll run into him at the bar after my A.A. meeting.

   Get rid of people that withdraw from your life and never deposit!

   Sometimes I envy deaf people because they never have to tell someone to shut up.

   It'll be awesome if Danica Patrick ever starts first so we can hear “Danica is on the pole!” over and over!

   I think Christopher Nolan grew up on 60's Batman and his life's goal is to wipe it out...

   ts no fun insulting people that are too damn stupid to even realize it!

   Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine “want” power.

   Let's keep in touch but only by our genitals.

   There are two types of women. Those who become angry for NOTHING and those who get angry for EVERYTHING.

   If Kim Kardashian was the answer...... the question must have been reeeeeally stupid.

   My Wife's MENU has only two items: Eat it OR Leave it.

   From now on just cross your heart, I'll take care of the hope you die part.

   Teacher: Johnny,Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence..... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and...Her-ass-meant a lot to me

   Sorry I used your hummus dip to exfoliate my feet.

   Forgive me, for I have sinned. Same time tomorrow?

   My wife says I only have two faults. #1. I don't pay enough attention to her. #2. And something else.

   Free to a good home. My Bill Cosby vinyl collection.