Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The media praised Oprah for being humble when compared to other celebrities because she has no "selfies" on Twitter. Apparently the Media has yet to notice that the cover model for "O Magazine" is always the same darn person.

   Barack Obama's best bet tonight is to just run into the room, strongly high-five as many people as he can and then run out...because...I'm pretty sure we know what the state of our union is.

   Nascar Update: Gordon Biffles Earnhart's Johnson

   I wish Facebook would make the text bigger on its mobile app so I can read it easier when I am driving

   Any dude who waits for Valentines Day to treat his woman like a Queen is failing 364 days a year.

   On the bright side...Aaron Rodgers can now do all the comercials he wants

   on a scale from 1-10, you're a 9 and I'm the 1 you need...

   Women are like condoms.. they spend more time in your wallet than on your d!ck.

   Teacher: "Why are you late? Student: "I'm late?" Teacher: "You just missed an entire period" Student: "Are you telling me I'm pregnant?"

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate rhyming, make me a sandwich.

   I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

   I think the "Situation" should be renamed "Regurgitation" after he stunk up the Donald Trump roast!.

   that awkward moment when you realized that thousands of other people actually went to google and typed in "funny facebook status's"

   I hate when you play Call of Duty before bed and then you toss and turn all night dreaming about playing. I was so tired this morning that I thought I needed a Claymore by the bathroom door when getting into the shower.

   Twenty bucks says The Royal Divorce will get better ratings. Also, note to self, that's an amazing band name.

   I hanker for a hunka, a slab or slice or chunka, I hanker for a hunka cheese. When your get up and go has got up and went......

   How do we know Adam and Eve were white? Ever try to take a rib from a black guy?

   ..... If stomping on the US Flag is considered Protected Free Speech ..... Well heck ... Then so is stomping on someone who is stomping on the Flag.

   Deez Nuts: Fictional Presidential Candidate Ahead of Hillary Clinton, Poll Finds

   The Orange man sure has a knack for sabotaging himself.