Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just passed some guy flying a confederate flag on the back of his ragged out Honda Goldwing wearing a Jolly Rodger Helmet, with a Connecticut license plate. I laughed so hard I almost missed my turn!

   When I go to Popeye's I always order "the Kardashian"....a box full of dark meat.

   found out this morning that frying bacon while naked may not be as good of an idea as it sounds!

   I need a damn girlfriend...well not a "damn" girlfriend, just a girlfriend...well not just a girl that's a friend but...a girl...well, not a girl, but a woman...OMG I am turning into Mr. Kimball! Damn you, Green Acres!

   "Relationships - are for ugly people!" - Charlie Sheen

   Happy Government Shutdown Day everyone!!

   I just filled my bird-feeder with Mentos and my birdbath with Pepsi..........

   I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing....

   Look... if you have both toilet paper and bath towels in your bathroom... I am going to assume you are giving me a choice.

   This copy of Windows is not genuine... Dang, I'll never find that guy that sold me Windows from the trunk of his car... He seemed legit. Lesson learned.

   I will be hosting the next meeting of the Somerset Time Travel club. It will be held Wednesday of last week. We will be serving breakfast for supper. Please plan to attend! We really missed you next week.

   Screw Congress! Me and some drinking buddies have decided we're gonna re-open the government our way!

   My Boyfriend tried to talk me into making a sex tape. I'm like, 'Cool, we just need to get someone else to play your part'

   The worst part of getting your Smart Car Tipped is probably trying to win enough Chuck E. Cheese tickets to get another one.....

   Dudes who watch The Bachelor, what does mensturation feel like?

   *Justin Bieber goes to jail *Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest *learns cellmate is dyslexic

   Attention!!! Christmas has been canceled this year!!! I told Santa that I had been good. He died laughing...

   If her p*ssy tastes like vinegar, she wasn't expecting you to get this far.”

   Tim Tebow: "I'm a Christian" Me: "I don't care" Jason Collins: "I'm gay" Me: "I don't care"

   My wife does all the cooking. Except the meth. I cook all the meth.