Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coming home from work today, I just saw a guy sitting in a rowbaot in his front yard in the rain with a case of budligtht. Even though I've never met him, I'm convinced that he's good people

   First, love yourself. Everyone else, get in line.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.

   Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.

   Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day. <HATE

   I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.

   come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines...

   If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians.

   I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!

   To every girl suffering from many friend request..............Put your real picture without makeup as your profile pic.

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murd.r for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   it is comforting to know the last person Osama Bin Laden saw on this Earth was an American

   When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!"

   Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of LIberty.

   Maybe it's Maybelline... Maybe it's Photoshop.

   can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I know I have work the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before execution.

   She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

   The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: (1) How much did you make last year? (2) How much have you got left? (3) Send amount listed in part 2.

   will never wear a red shirt at target again.

   The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing,someone else does.