Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was a toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   Due to the Global Financial Crisis, Ke$ha will now be known as Ke¢ha.

   What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH.

   I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.

   I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   and in other sports news a WNBA player announces she is straight. #courage

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.

   I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.

   Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.

   Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.

   Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.

   Gay Divorce Court is going to be hilarious.

   I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.

   When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.