Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just balanced my checking account, and discovered that I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something or pay a bill.

   I Speak Fluent Sarcasm....

   I don't know about you, but a highlight of my childhood was talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.

   I love the idea of Canada and America sitting down for a bud and a labatts. While we're at it we should have some apple pie and some poutine. America and Canada are like two brothers. We may argue alot but in the end we're family. Hey america. you ROCK!

   Here's your social security card. It's paper & has to last you forever. Don't laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the f**k man. We trusted you.

   Maybe if they turned the economy off and then turned it back on it might run better. Works for my computer.

   2011 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."

   "Frosted Mini Wheats" are my absolute FAVORITE breakfast cereal made from scrap wicker furniture.

   Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.

   Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.

   If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what's the first thing you'd buy?

   Thank you Pringles® for being the only chip company that doesn't sell air.

   Happy Thanksgiving America ! from a Canadian :)

   I might not be a great example, but I'm one hell of a good warning....

   examining one of his patients. Took the husband aside and said: Your wife doesn't look too good. Husband said: I know but she's got an awesome personality...

   There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes......how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?

   Someone came up to me and said get a life...I punched them in the face and said get a helmet.

   Honestly, when I crawled out of bed this morning I had no intention of being brilliant, but sometimes things just work out!

   87x/59(1 x)=(18*7x)*(67-x).....f*ck this, I'm going to be a stripper.