Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This situation calls for a barrel roll.

   If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.

   I bet the people that are posting all the funny new Super Bowl Ads days before the game are the same people that post info about a new movie they just saw. Thus spoiling it for the rest of us.

   thinks that proofreading is my worst enema.

   thinks that "Ignorance is bliss" is my personal motto because it hasn't steered me wrong and even if it has, how would I know?

   A snake bit me today and my neighbour's wife was kind enough to suck the venom out. Or at least that's what I told my wife when she walked in on us.

   People who constantly think their spouse is always cheating on them..Should just stay single and miserable forever.

   Starting a dating site for people who just want someone to take a walk with after a big meal.

   All old ladies will answer to the name "Bev." Try it out if you don't believe me.

   Dinner guests coming over later and I forgot to take something out. Does anyone know how to turn beef jerky back into steaks?

   With great power comes a great electricity bill.

   If money's tight this holiday season, a handmade card or gift is a lovely way to say, "Here's a present you won't like."

   If at first you don't succeed, Google it, and see if someone else screwed it up the way you did.

   A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.

   People who say "think outside the box" should be forbidden from ever judging other people's creativity.

   ..... For some people madness isn't only confined to March!!!

   Apparently Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Fabrice.....

   KIDS: If you have to look at your parents before you do something, that means you SHOULD NOT be doing it!

   Yeah okay. I wanna subscribe to your facebook modeling page. You and the 9,847,357 others who have no chance of advancing beyond this level.

   Loves falling asleep to Adult Swim , I end up having funny dreams.